after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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