I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
