hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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