I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
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I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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