I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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