Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
