Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
