I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
