im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize