He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
