2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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