can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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