I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
