It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
