You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
