Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I deserve this hangover.
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