Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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