I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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