oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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