Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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