I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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