oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
