Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
