i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
