i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
