I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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