i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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