Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
