shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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