I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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