forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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