remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
