I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
