you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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