I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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