You smell like a Billy Joel song
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
