i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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