Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
