You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
