Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
