And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
