i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
