I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
