there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
