hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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