Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
