Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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