Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
