Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize