Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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