wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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