Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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