I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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