yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
