I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
