I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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